News Flash: American Motors Corporation Awarded Emergency Drug Production Funds

"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78) 07/29/2020 at 11:04 • Filed to: satire, Taketheoutsideline

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After Eastman Kodak shares jumped over 500% during Wednesday morning trading, President Trump invoked the Defense Production Act for the second time in as many days, awarding defunct carmaker American Motors Corporation (AMC) a $1.2 billion grant in exchange for the production of experimental drugs to treat COVID-19. “AMC was a proud American car company, and we plan to bring over 1,000 jobs back right away,” The President said from a White House press briefing. “My experience with AMC executives, as well as the cars’ owners over the years, tells me they know a thing or two about drugs.” In response to reporter questions, Mr. Trump outlined that the grant would include any drugs that helped people forget about the pandemic, and that the drugs would be made available for free to the general public within weeks so that public schools could resume in-person teaching as planned. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos echoed the sentiment, hinting at the possibility that bleach Epi-Pens could be issued to all students by mid-August.

hillrat > Ash78, voting early and often 07/29/2020 at 11:13

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I posted a screenshot of the headline to my Insta just to see what might happen.

This is what we'll show whenever you publish anything on Kinja: > Ash78, voting early and often 07/29/2020 at 11:13

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If it gets AMC making cars again I'm all for it.

superdave847 > This is what we'll show whenever you publish anything on Kinja: 07/29/2020 at 11:16

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New Javelins?

SBA Thanks You For All The Fish > Ash78, voting early and often 07/29/2020 at 11:18

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Nake Fews.

zipfuel > Ash78, voting early and often 07/29/2020 at 11:18

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I just realized there is a “ search engine optimized title” field of 57-63 characters in the more options section of kinja (I never normally post on a PC). Maybe you have to hit that magical number of characters

SBA Thanks You For All The Fish > superdave847 07/29/2020 at 11:19

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I’m down for an AMX with a Hellcat motor in it...

Ash78, voting early and often > zipfuel 07/29/2020 at 11:23

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Comments like this make me hate the internet so much. So many algorithms and SEO tricks, it feels like nothing is truly vetted (or real) anymore. It’s as bad as watching cable news.

On the plus side, I read yesterday that Hummer is bringing back a retro H2, which is AWESOME NEWS! /s

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Ash78, voting early and often > SBA Thanks You For All The Fish 07/29/2020 at 11:24

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All the Fews that’s Prit to Fint!

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > zipfuel 07/29/2020 at 11:45

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They also have the ability to set a share title and image but it has never really worked. 

zipfuel > superdave847 07/29/2020 at 11:46

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That’s a rather aggressive way to deliver vaccines from 6'+ distance but I like it. It’ll give the Olympic team something to do this summer too...

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Ash78, voting early and often 07/29/2020 at 11:46

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I think DMC and Bricklin together would I ow a lot more drugs about things. 

Tripper > Ash78, voting early and often 07/29/2020 at 11:51

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Hey, you’re really good at these. Even the headlines, draws ya right in. I remember you GOT me with one of these so bad. I think when that dude ran over all of those people in NYC with a home depot rental van. I think it was you anyway who did a bit about how HD was no longer going to rent vans because of it....

I’m over here in my office like FUCK THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THESE DECISIONS. lol

Ash78, voting early and often > Tripper 07/29/2020 at 11:56

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Thanks, that means a lot. If you can’t tell, I’m a longtime Onion reader (like ~ 1997 or so). Satire helps me make sense of—and fun of— the world, and I have too much stage fright for standup or any other venues like that.

I’m trying to do more short-form stuff with greater frequency so it can be more timely. All of them should be tagged with taketheoutsideline for searching if you’re so inclined...

Tripper > Ash78, voting early and often 07/29/2020 at 12:01

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I love em. A colleague of mine is an avid onion reader also. I have sent him a few of yours to much praise.

Ash78, voting early and often > zipfuel 07/29/2020 at 12:01

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LMAO. Solid!

Full of the sound of the Gran Fury, signifying nothing. > Ash78, voting early and often 07/29/2020 at 12:05

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Something something 2012, something 47%, something something Willard...

dogisbadob > Ash78, voting early and often 07/29/2020 at 13:01

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fucking gremlins

ranwhenparked > Ash78, voting early and often 07/29/2020 at 13:32

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Didnt they change their name to Ailing American Motors Corp sometime in the '80s?

Demon-Xanth knows how to operate a street. > Ash78, voting early and often 07/29/2020 at 15:58

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The problem with The Onion these days is that the real news is so surreal that it’s hard to make stuff up that is parody.

Ash78, voting early and often > Demon-Xanth knows how to operate a street. 07/29/2020 at 16:03

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Absolutely true. Patton Oswalt (among others) have complained about this exact issue.

However, I remember getting my Onion print edition in the mail a week after 9/11, when the world declared that humor and irony were dead, and it was one of the most epic experiences of my life. They nailed it.

dumpsterfire! > Ash78, voting early and often 07/29/2020 at 17:29

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I hate that my first thought was "no fucking way he would do that because George Romney used to run AMC, and the orange one hates Mitt.

zipfuel > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 07/29/2020 at 17:46

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Every post I write will now have a share title of “Oi knobhead! ” just in case anyone is foolish enough to share my ramblings

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > zipfuel 07/29/2020 at 19:37

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Good idea. Better include an example knob (door) as the share image just in case they don't get the message. 

pip bip - choose Corrour > Ash78, voting early and often 07/30/2020 at 05:01

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that was good!